Stan's Cousin
by TheCrazyPerson44
Summary: No one knew Stan had a cousin, right? Well, he did. His name was Gus, a failed CIA experiment gone wrong.


One day in the Smith home, Stan gathered the family together in the living room to make an announcement.  
"Listen family, my cousin Gus is coming to visit and he is very old and fragile and you all must pretend to love him" said Stan.  
"Um, okay! Works for me, I guess" said Haylee.  
"I'm sure we'll all get along with him just fine" said Francine.  
"My life is hell" said Steve.  
"Gus, haha, sounds like some Andy Griffith character or something this will be a classic" said Roger.

Later that day, the doorbell rang, Stan answered eagerly. The bearded old man at the door looked like Rip Van Winkle.  
"Family, meet Gus, failed CIA immortality experiment and also my cousin" explained Stan.  
"Hi. I came because my Direct TV went bad, and I wanted to watch the baseball game with Stan. Also, I thought we could  
all go out to eat afterwards.  
"Eating sounds heavenly, I love to eat" said Francine, in her typical Francine fashion.  
"Huh? Wha-what? Oh, yeah, eating. Eating is what makes us all human" said Roger, who is not a human.  
"Only if it's vegan" said Haylee.  
"Haha, vegan, my daughter's a Star Trek fan don't worry about her" said Stan.

Later...

Stan and Gus were watching the game.  
"That's a ball? I've seen better calls in a frat house a thousand years ago in my prime" said Gus.  
"Haha. Ahahaha. Ahh, Gus, good times good times" said Stan. One of Roger's personas entered the room.

"Hey, I hate to be off topic, but am I the only one who thinks Starbutts is a great name for a strip club? Ok FINE!" said Roger, frustrated.

At dinner:

"It's so good to be eating food with other human beans. I haven't tasted toast points this good since I joined the Navy"  
said Gus.  
"It's good to have you here, Gus" said Stan, wiping some food off his face with what he thought was a napkin but was  
actually Gus's long white beard.  
"So, Gus do you still play Tennis?" asked Francine.  
"Yes. I won a tournament just a week ago. Or was it a month? Stan, when's the last time I played Tennis?" asked Gus.  
"Tennis? Oh yeah, Wii Tennis. Just a week I think. Haha. Ahh..yeah" said Stan. The waitress came to check on how the food  
was.  
"You all like your food?" asked the waitress.  
"Yes. Everything's fine," said Gus. He continued, "But, I would like some extra silverware. I want four spoons in a bucket of ice"  
"Four spoons? In a bucket of ice?" asked the waitress. Gus nodded earnestly.  
"Four spoons. Please, I beg of you" said Gus. The waitress knew the customer was always right so she came back with four spoons  
in a bucket of ice.  
"Stan, grab a spoon" ordered Gus.  
"Haha, anytime Gus" said Stan, grabbing a spoon and hacking away at the ice like a madman. The rest of the Smith family  
was confused, but played along, sort of.  
"I really don't get what's going on here" said Steve.  
"Steve grab a spoon, this is your heritage here" said Stan.  
"Why can't I just use the spoon I already have?" asked Steve.  
"Whichever spoons you feel the need to use, use them. I ordered four spoons because I wasn't sure how many everyone  
had. Should I have ordered more?" asked Gus.  
"We're all cool here. I think" said Francine.  
"Oh, no no, everything's fine. This is a spoontaneous moment for all!" said Roger.  
"I don't think this makes much sense" said Steve.  
"Damn it Steve, this is what your forefathers did to prevent the Plague, grab a spoon!" said Roger.  
"Okay" said Steve, grabbing a spoon. Haylee grabbed a spoon as well. They all began hacking at the ice.  
"I call dibs on the ice. I got the most demolished" said Gus.  
"Haha, true, but I got the most out. So now my Mr. Pibb has twice as much ice in it as yours does" said Stan.  
"WAITRESS!" yelled Gus, pounding the table. The waitress came back.  
"Yes, how can I help you?" she asked.  
"I want a cup of cold pork and about ten extra spoons for my wife, Francine" said Gus.  
"Woah, woah, woah, Francine is my wife not yours" said Stan.  
"Ten..extra..spoons?" asked the waitress who appeared to be completely bamboozled.  
"Yes, ten extra spoons" said Gus.

"I'm having all kinds of thoughts right now...all kinds...of thoughts" muttered Roger.  
"It's gonna be a long day, eh Roj Poj?" said Steve, nudging Roger with his elbow.

"Stan? I want you and me to crack some more ice, right now. Ooh, maybe even make noises while we do it" suggested Francine.

"No. Kids are here" said Stan.

Back home:

Gus and Stan were sitting in the living room watching the news.  
"Stan, this election I voted for you as a write in candidate" said Gus.  
"Did you really? That's great, Gus" said Stan.  
"Stan, turn on the Wii. I wanna play Table Tennis again" said Gus.  
"Beatman is more my thing" said Stan.  
"What's Beatman?" asked Gus.  
"It's on the Virtual Console. It's this game about a beat that has to evade all the dangers of being on a farm" explained  
Stan.  
"Sounds too much like Vietnam. I get shell shocked easily" said Gus.  
"Oh, it's fine, it's nothing like that" said Stan. Stan put on Beatman and they began to play. Haylee walked in the room,  
took one look at Stan and Gus, sipped her soda, and then left.

At the end of the day...

"Well, it's been fun seeing you again Gus. Just like the old days. But I have to go to work tomorrow" said Stan.  
"I wanna go with you Stan. And I want lemon drops" said Gus.  
"No, no, it's too dangerous, trust me" replied Stan.  
"I wanna go!" insisted Gus, pulling on Stan's shirt collar.  
"Oh, ok, if it makes you feel better" said Stan.

Stan shows up for work with Gus:

Gus instantly caught the attention of Bullock, as he was one of his most prized projects.  
"Stan, you've reunited with Gus. That's magnificent. But can I talk to you in private about this matter?" asked Bullock.  
"Um, sure" replied Stan. He whispered in the ear of his cousin: "Bullock and I are gonna go grab a soda"  
"Soda sounds good, I'm up for some soda" said Gus.  
"No, no, you don't want soda. Soda is bad, Yoda warned about soda" said Stan.

Bullock took Stan into a dark room, then he lit a match.  
"Why are you being all dramatic sir?" asked Stan. His boss grimmaced.  
"Ehh, well, it's just that your cousin only has one more day to live, that is, unless you can do something about it"  
explained Bullock. Stan gasped. He couldn't believe the words uttered out of the mouth of his boss regarding his own cousin.  
"My cousin only has one day to live? That's terrible! How can we reverse the effects?" asked Stan.  
"Well, over the years we and many others have sought after the legendary monatomic gold. It's partially how we  
kept your cousin alive for so long, as well as French films and soggy breadsticks covered in soy sauce, but over a good  
bloody period of time his health began to fade. We realized it wasn't the quality of the french films or the breadsticks. I tried to turn him into a vampire, but he loved garlic too much. The main problem? What was it? It was the elusive powdered gold. Most of the stuff on ebay only lets you live to be two hundred. We wanted something that would make you immortal. That's when we realized where the good stuff is, hidden deep in the bowels of creatures from beyond! Alien poop is the only true monatomic gold that can be ground into a life extension powder" said Bullock.  
"Well it just so happens that-" Stan caught himself. He was about to mention Roger. "Well I'll go see what I can do!"  
said STan.

Gus wanted to go on a mission with Stan.  
"No, you're too old for this!" said Stan.  
"But I'm immortal! The CIA said so" replied Gus.  
"They also said the Gulf of Tonkin incident was real and that there were weapons of mass destruction in the Swiss Alps"  
said Stan.  
"PLEASE! I beg of you" said Gus getting down on his hands and knees.  
"Fine, fine, I'll take you on a mission, here's your gun" said Stan.  
"I remember the first time I shot a burglar in the foot with a gun just like this" said Gus.

Stan and Gus infiltrated a terrorist base.  
"OK, surrender terrorists" said Stan, drawing his gun. Gus charged forward and used a baseball bat to knock over many  
vases which all landed on the terrorists heads knocking them all out.  
"Wow, I'm good. All I had to do was say one word" said Stan.  
"Hey, I did that. Give credit where credit is due" said Gus in his old man voice.  
"Nuh-uh. All in the likeness of the Stan man. Now, excuse me while I figure out who these men worked for and what they  
were planning" said Stan as he checked for ID's. He then got on the computer and found out that the men were working for  
a group called PSYSWISH.  
"PsySwish was planning to wipe out our nations power grid and blame it on Swahili. What a stupid plot idea!" said Stan.  
"Bahh, those guys are dispicable. And to top it off they're not good. Where's my grapefruit spitzer?" said Gus.

Later that day...

Stan and Gus went home.  
"Wow, Gus went on a mission with you Stan. And he lived, that's too bad" said Roger.  
"Roger, quick, I need you" said Stan.  
"Woah, woah, I need to slip into something first" said Roger.  
"You don't get it! You have to come with me! said Stan. He ushered Roger into another room, once again  
making a lame excuse for Gus over what he and Roger were doing. This time, Stan claimed he and Roger were going to go  
elope, and not to tell Francine.

"Hey, Roger. You know it's times of uncertainty, times like this that I often feel the need to...take a dump!" said  
Stan.  
"Huh? Why reveal that to me?" asked Roger.  
"Do it! Take a dump, space chimp!" said Stan, waterboarding Roger.  
"Aaah! Drowning does not make me want to defecate" said Roger.  
"It does now!" said Stan.  
"Okay, okay, I'll poop. If you get me a good turkey sandwich" said Roger.

Stan came back with the sandwich. Roger ate it. He pooped out solid 24 karot gold.  
"Thank goodness, this is just what the CIA needs to save Gus. Thanks Roger" said Stan.

Later, at the CIA:

"Well done, Agent Smith. Now the laws of mortality no longer apply to anyone. Hopefully they still apply to my ex-wife.  
She keeps texting me pancakes with butter on them. At any rate, we should be able to save your cousin" said Bullock.

The next day:

Stan mixed the concoction in with Gus's drink. Gus became huge, muscular, and enourmous, and began rampaging through the  
neighborhood as if he were the Incredible Hulk.  
"NO! NO! We all need to die sometimes. If you died that would be ok actually" said Stan, chasing down Gus. But he was  
gone. He saw a note on the ground:

Bless my beard, I feel like I'm 102 yet again. Well, off to seek out the sacred lemon drops, don't get yourself  
too pitchkettled (actual word), Stan, for I hath not a nose of wax, but of gold. I'm gonna go find a woman and settle down.

The End


End file.
